HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I hope all of you have a great one!

it's so nice to have you back where you belong

the rumours are spreading far and wide that an old friend is making steps to jump once again into the bottomless pit known as the internet. If it's true, i'd like to say a grand HELLO AGAIN, and that i've missed you terribly. I hope all is well for you, and it absolutely thrills me to say...

my newest crush!

His name is ERIC VIOLETTE, and he's a french-canadian actor, singer, and musician.

If he looks familiar, it's because he's the star of the newest series of commercials for FREE CREDIT REPORT.COM







these FREE CREDIT REPORT.COM guys sure know how to pick the cuties....remember MARK?

um...magnolia...are you missing something?

i guess i rubbed him the wrong way.

SANTA has it in for me.

I got some nice things this year, but not what i really wanted, and i know why.

SANTA has it in for me.

He's been pissed at me ever since i saw him in the mall, and mistaking him for a Genie, rubbed him three times (never mind where).
he was not amused...and neither was mall security.

Anyway, i thought he would have gotten over it by now, but he obviously still holds a grudge, which means i didn't get what i wanted.

MIQUEL BROWN can explain what that is...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Wishing all of you the best this season. i hope you all get what you deserve...i mean, desire.
thanks for everything!

love, snicks

digging for gold...

VH-1 recently aired their TOP 100 SONGS OF THE 90's....of course, i didn't watch it because it would have made me very sad. The 90's were the beginning of the end in pop music, filled with rap droppings and stinky grunge....and it would only get worse in this decade.
here's their list...

01. Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
02. U2 "One"
03. Backstreet Boys "I Want It That Way"
04. Whitney Houston "I Will Always Love You"
05. Madonna "Vogue"
06. Sir Mix-A-Lot "Baby Got Back"
07. Britney Spears "...Baby One More Time"
08. TLC"Waterfalls"
09. R.E.M. "Losing My Religion"
10. Sinead O'Connor "Nothing Compares 2 U"
11. Pearl Jam "Jeremy"
12. Alanis Morissette "You Oughta Know"
13. Dr. Dre (featuring Snoop Doggy Dogg) "Nuthin' but a "G" Thang"
14. Mariah Carey "Vision of Love"
15. Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under the Bridge"
16. MC Hammer "U Can't Touch This"
17. Destiny's Child "Say My Name"
18. Metallica "Enter Sandman"
19. Beastie Boys "Sabotage"
20. Hanson "MMMBop"
21. Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On"
22. Beck "Loser"
23. Salt-N-Pepa with En Vogue "Whatta Man"
24. House of Pain "Jump Around"
25. Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun"
26. Eminem "My Name Is"
27. Counting Crows "Mr. Jones"
28. Ricky Martin "Livin' la Vida Loca"
29. Vanilla Ice "Ice Ice Baby"
30. *NSYNC "Tearin' Up My Heart"
31. Radiohead "Creep"
32. BLACKstreet "No Diggity"
33. Spice Girls "Wannabe"
34. Third Eye Blind "Semi-Charmed Life"
35. Oasis "Wonderwall"
36. C+C Music Factory "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"
37. Green Day "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)"
38. Christina Aguilera "Genie In A Bottle"
39. Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"
40. Color Me Badd "I Wanna Sex You Up"
41. Spin Doctors "Two Princes"
42. Collective Soul "Shine"
43. En Vogue "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)"
44. The Fugees "Killing Me Softly With His Song"
45. Hootie & the Blowfish "Only Wanna Be With You"
46. Shania Twain "You're Still the One"
47. Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch "Good Vibrations"
48. Matchbox Twenty "3 AM"
49. Jewel "Who Will Save Your Soul"
50. Alice in Chains "Man in the Box"
51. Tupac (featuring Dr. Dre and Roger Troutman) "California Love"
52. Sugar Ray "Fly"
53. Naughty by Nature "O.P.P."
54. Joan Osborne "One of Us"
55. Fiona Apple "Criminal"
56. L.L. Cool J "Mama Said Knock You Out"
57. Jay-Z featuring Amil and Ja Rule "Can I Get A..."
58. Sophie B. Hawkins "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover"
59. Weezer "Buddy Holly"
60. Bell Biv DeVoe "Poison"
61. Sheryl Crow "All I Wanna Do"
62. Live "I Alone"
63. The Notorious B.I.G. featuring Mase & Puff Daddy "Mo Money Mo Problems"
64. The Presidents of the United States of America "Peaches"
65. Digital Underground "The Humpty Dance"
66. Edwin McCain "I'll Be"
67. Deee-Lite "Groove Is In The Heart"
68. Will Smith "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It"
69. Korn "Freak on a Leash"
70. Jamiroquai "Virtual Insanity"
71. Arrested Development "Tennessee"
72. Barenaked Ladies "One Week"
73. Marcy Playground "Sex and Candy"
74. Cher "Believe"
75. Kris Kross "Jump"
76. Blues Traveler "Run-Around"
77. Ice Cube "It Was a Good Day"
78. Lenny Kravitz "Are You Gonna Go My Way"
79. Meredith Brooks "Bitch"
80. Right Said Fred "I'm Too Sexy"
81. Paula Cole "I Don't Want to Wait"
82. Geto Boys "Mind Playing Tricks on Me"
83. The Breeders "Cannonball"
84. Snow "Informer"
85. Cypress Hill "Insane In The Brain"
86. The Cranberries "Linger"
87. Billy Ray Cyrus "Achy Breaky Heart"
88. Duncan Sheik "Barely Breathing"
89. Liz Phair "Never Said"
90. New Radicals "You Get What You Give"
91. Sarah McLachlan "Building a Mystery"
92. Public Enemy "911 Is A Joke"
93. Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories "Stay"
94. Fastball "The Way"
95. Montell Jordan "This is How We Do It"
96. Nelson "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection"
97. Prince & The New Power Generation "Gett Off"
98. EMF"Unbelievable"
99. Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott "The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)"
100. Gerardo "Rico Suave"

And now, here is my top ten list of the 90's....only one song in my list is on their list, which should tell you how out of touch i am with the "taste" of the general public.

10. B-52'S - "ROAM"
it all came together for the gang from athens, GA. with their album "cosmic thing". Most people prefer "love shack", but i like this one better.


9. VANESSA WILLIAMS - SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST
Once and for all putting that nasty pageant business behind her, this song spent 5 weeks at #1.



8. SHAKESPEARE'S SISTER - STAY
I was crushed when Siobhan Fahey left Bananarama, but this song made up for it...and this video is one of the greatest of the 90's.


7. MELISSA ETHERIDGE - COME TO MY WINDOW
her first album after coming out was the biggest of her career, and this is a big reason why.


6. STING - FIELDS OF GOLD
just a beautiful song. my favorite of all his solo hits.


5. SINEAD O'CONNOR - NOTHING COMPARES 2 U
She takes a long forgotten Prince song, and brings it to mournful life.


4. MADONNA - THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND
my favorite of her 90's songs, this hit #1, but strangely, not many people remember it.


3. K.D. LANG - CONSTANT CRAVING
grammy winning performance, and the biggest hit of her career...still sends chills down my spine.


2. ANNIE LENNOX - WHY
first single from one of the greatest albums of the 90's ,"DIVA"...this gets me every time.


and my choice for the greatest pop song of the 90's....

1. SARAH MCLACHLAN - POSSESSION
the greatest song about stalking since "every breath you take". This song represents everything that was good about 90's music...too bad it was a nugget of gold inside a giant brick of cow dung.

gimme gimme gimme....please.

my friend GERRY tipped me off to this, which has to be the greatest gift anyone could get for christmas.
It's the BRITNEY SPEARS COMMEMORATIVE PORCELAIN FIGURE.

For just 39.95, you can have a cherished keepsake of brit's greatest pop culture moment.


Actually, I think it doubles as a piggy bank...i wonder where the coin slot is?

WHO WILL JOIN US FOR THE GLOBAL ORGASM FOR PEACE?

WHO WILL LEND ME A HAND?

R.I.P. magnolia thunderpussy

I KNEW IT!

When i made the post about the new AMERICAN GLADIATORS, i was kidding about the whole "moonlighting as a gay porn star" thing, but it turns out...I WAS RIGHT! (NSFW!)

the poison and the antidote

okay..THIS is embarassing. It's the republican 12 days of christmas. For some reason, conservatives just can't do the whole humor thing (remember that FOX version of THE DAILY SHOW?). They get 12 of the whitest (except for a token asian), out of tune people they can get to "sing" about...Al Franken?
That's the best they can do?
I DARE you to make it all the way to the end (especially with that woman singing about Hillary's Woodstock Museum...over...and over).


and now...to alleviate that bad taste in your mouth, i give you THE 12 GAYS OF CHRISTMAS!

running in the family

JAMIE LYNN SPEARS, the 16 year old star of NICKELODEON'S "ZOOEY 101"...is pregnant. With a role model like her older sister BRITNEY, how can she go wrong? Seriously, I have to do some research...i'm positive these girls have to be related to me in some way.

Why do i get the feeling this is going to be them in 30 years?

And they said it wouldn't last!

In an absolutely SHOCKING development, PAMELA ANDERSON AND RICK SOLOMON have filed for divorce after two months.

Do you think they had time to make a sex tape?

go away...just go away.

REST WELL

Dan Fogelberg, one of the greatest voices of soft rock, died of prostate cancer today, at the age of 56. he had so many great songs.."heart hotels", "longer", "same old lang syne","run for the roses"...

here's one of his biggest hits..."leader of the band"

PRESENTING...the return of "roid rage"

Actually, it's the return of one of the most important tv shows of the 90's.

AMERICAN GLADIATORS

You can see their profiles HERE, and here are my two favorites...

"TITAN"
"With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win... one way or another."
When not moonlighting as a gay porn star, "TITAN" will use all his godlike strength and skill to dodge tennis balls shot at him from a cannon.


"TITAN": HE'LL CLEAN YOUR CLOCK...THEN CLEAN YOUR EARS!



"TOA"
"With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell. Drawing on the power of his ancestors, Toa has the strength of a thousand warriors flowing through his veins, and he will never, ever show mercy"
When not moonlighting as a gay porn star, "TOA" spends his days applying eye makeup and auditioning for films like "APOCALYPTO 2: THE REVENGE OF SUGAR TITS"


"TOA": HE'S GOT A FOAM BARBELL WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!"

He's Chevy Chase...and thank god you're not.

One of the greatest debacles in tv history, THE CHEVY CHASE SHOW was supposed to dethrone David Letterman.

It didn't work out that way

Here are two clips which show why it was canceled after just five weeks. (even Magic Johnson and Dennis Miller's shows were on longer).

The FIRST CLIP has the opening nine minutes of the first show, which starts with a cringe-inducing opening bit, then Chevy stammering for a few minutes, followed by a lame and obvious bit outside (and would someone please explain the basketball court on stage?)


The SECOND CLIP is Chevy's first interview, with Goldie Hawn. She giggles the whole time, while Chevy stammers some more, then there's a painfully obvious sightgag involving a birthday cake, and then, inexplicably, Chevy and Goldie start dancing on stage.
It's like watching your aunt and uncle try to disco dance at your wedding reception, and i felt embarassed for both of them.


it's possible that all of this was just opening night jitters, but from everything i've heard, it didn't get better in the weeks to come.

someone's getting a lump of coal this year.

THIS NEWS STORY is horrible. Just horrible.

And if you laugh, you're just a HORRIBLE person.

like me.

living doll

I'm being tormented by a kewpie doll.

Every night, it's somehow incorporated into my dreams. like last night..I was having my regular wednesday night dream involving Boston baked beans, Absorbine Jr., and rugger Ben Cohen.


i won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that poor Ben wasn't prepared, and had he not been handcuffed to the bed, would have bolted out of the dream when seeing that doll.

I don't much about dream interpretation, and i'm not sure what a kewpie doll means...but it can't be good.

GIMME GIMME GIMME....PLEASE.

well, it's that time again...

THE SNICKS SEMI-ANNUAL CHRISTMAS WISH LIST!

1. THE GOLD PILL


It's a pill dipped in gold and filled with 24-karat gold leaf. You're supposed to eat it "to increase your self-worth."

Oh...and it also makes your shit sparkle.

cost: $425

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. "IGGY!"


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3. THE SECRETS OF ISIS - THE COMPLETE SERIES


FINALLY out on dvd! Before wonder woman, the bionic woman, and electra-woman, ISIS was the first of the 1970's super heroines to have her own show. It lasted two seasons on saturday mornings, and now the complete series is on dvd!

cost:UNDER $20!!!





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4. SANTA'S HOT SON

my favorite headline of the year!

HERE IT IS.

no wonder my gaydar has been going haywire!

*edited to angrily add...

WTF! THEY CHANGED IT!!!!

it was originally "VOYAGER 2 DISCOVERS SOLAR SYSTEM IS BENT"

I guess mike huckabee made a few calls...goddam son of a bitch.

he's got balls that jingle, jangle, jingle

No, this isn't a refugee from the roadshow of "BROKEBACK! THE MUSICAL", it's our very own EROSWINGS. He recently had a contest to come up with the best caption for this pic of him with some legendary elf shorts (it's a long and very sordid story, but you can read the dirty details at his blog, EROS DEN).

Well, i was too late for the contest, but i'd like to present my entry anyway.

SNICKS PRESENTS:

"JINGLE BALLS"

"DASHING THROUGH THE SAND
BITS SLAPPING AT HIS THIGHS
LET'S GIVE THE MAN A HAND
IT MUST BE COLD OUTSIDE

WHAT IS HE RUNNING FOR?
WHAT COULD THE REASON BE?
THAT MRS. CLAUS IS SUCH A WHORE
SHE GAVE HIM A V.D.

OH, JINGLE BALLS, JINGLE BALLS
LOOK AT ALL THOSE WARTS
BEFORE YOU PUT THEM ON
YOU'D BETTER WASH THOSE SHORTS!!!!

MY TOP 10 GAY TV CHARACTERS

AFTERELTON is one of my favorite sites, and they recently conducted a poll of all their readers for the TOP 25 GAY TV CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME. Well, the top pick caused a shit storm of controversy, because it was so...wrong.
the AFTERELTON readers chose as the greatest gay tv character of all time...BRIAN KINNEY from Queer as Folk.


needless to say, a lot of people were dumbfounded, including yours truly. Brian was a cold, cruel, narcissistic, hypersexual caricature. The people who voted for him tried to defend it by calling him things like "complicated". He wasn't complicated. He was a one note character that they would try to humanize occasionally when he became too monstrous.
I...um, voiced my opinion at AFTERELTON, and got into a huge fight with someone who was just a little..obsessed with the brian character. The people who didn't like the #1 pick were accused of only wanting safe, wholesome gay characters on TV. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not naive...and i realize that gay characters shouldn't be sanitized, but when you write a gay character that would have Jerry Falwell nodding his head in approval, then something's wrong.

Well, i decided to compile my own top ten list. I thought about it and realized that it's really only been in the last few years that we've seen well written, realistic (for tv) gay characters on tv. When i was a kid, the two gay men i first saw on tv were Jodie on SOAP, and Steven on DYNASTY. Jodie started as a cross-dresser, then tried to commit suicide, then went straight. Steven started as a great character, then his father killed his lover, and Steven...turned straight. Not a great introduction to "TEH GAY" for a kid.

So, here are my TOP TEN GAY TV CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME (this is only gay men...lesbian tv characters will be featured in a few days).

10. NOAH MAYER (AS THE WORLD TURNS)


Played by Jake Silbermann, Noah was brought in as the love interest for the soap's gay teen heartthrob LUKE (who we'll be seeing later in the list). He started out closeted, but was soon lured out by luke's warmth and caring.


unfortunantely, Noah's crazy father wasn't too happy with the pairing, and ended up shooting poor Luke.


So now poor luke is in a wheelchair (but not for long, thanks to noah's love and promise of nooky), and the two of them have become soapdom's hottest couple.
When i was a kid, there was a gay soap couple, but they were lesbians, so i really couldn't relate...



9. DR. GEORGE HUANG (LAW & ORDER: SVU)



Played by out actor B.D. WONG, the good doctor hasn't had a storyline to flesh out his character's sexuality, but the fact that he's a respected, integral part of the investigation team, and his sexuality has nothing to do with his character's relevance is refreshing. besides, he does get to work very closely with CHRIS MELONI, so that gets him extra points.

8. SCOTTY WANDELL (BROTHERS & SISTERS)


Played by out actor (and t.r. knight's bf) LUKE MACFARLANE, Scotty is just adorable. After he and the character of KEVIN broke up last season, the response was so overwhelming that they decided to bring him back this season. he's a little flighty, a little irresponsible, and totally endearing. KEVIN can be a cold character occasionally, and Scotty's warmth is just what he needs.

7. OMAR LITTLE (THE WIRE)


now THIS is a complicated character! as played by MICHAEL K. WILLIAMS, Omar is the heart and soul of this gritty HBO series. A gay drug dealer who turns government witness to avenge his murdered boyfriend, He's become the most popular character in a show that's about to enter it's final season, and deserves to be seen by as many people as possible.

6. RACE BANNON (JOHNNY QUEST)


half of the greatest cartoon couple of all time, and stepdad to an exuberant and totally annoying moppet, RACE proved that you can be loving but strict, and still have time to kick plenty of zombie ninja ass.


5. KEITH CHARLES (SIX FEET UNDER)


as played by MICHAEL ST. PATRICK, keith was the Yin to DAVID FISHER's Yang. A calming influence on a character that gave new meaning to high strung, KEITH was one half of what may be the greatest gay tv couple of all time.

4. KEVIN WALKER (BROTHERS & SISTERS)


as played by MATTHEW RHYS, kevin is one lucky bastard. First he was with the aforementioned scotty, then he got with a hot minister, and now he's back with scotty. He's a successful, smart, strong, somewhat aloof, sometimes distant character. he's what BRIAN KINNEY should have been.

3. DAVID FISHER (SIX FEET UNDER)


as played by MICHAEL C. HALL, David was so tightly wound, it took the love of KEITH to keep him from unraveling. in a family full of flakes and eccentrics, David tried to be the reasonable, responsible one, and mostly succeeded, but sometimes was just as lunatic as the rest of his brood...thank god.

2. CLIFF (UGLY BETTY)


i know what you're thinking "SNICKS, this guy has only been in four episodes, how can he be your #2 pick?"
I'll tell you why...in four episodes, he's managed to undo years of damage of how gay men are portrayed. as played by DAVID BLUE, cliff is a long overdue breath of fresh air. working class, down to earth, and devoid of the cattiness and cynicism that plague so many gay characters. Everytime i see him, i get the uncontrollable to urge to...snuggle with him.

and my choice for the greatest gay tv character of all time....

1. LUKE SNYDER (AS THE WORLD TURNS)


why am i choosing a soap character as the greatest of all time? Well first, because he's gotten me to do something i never thought i would do again. ..watch a soap opera (which i haven't done since VICKI WAS NIKKI). But more importantly, it's because when i was a kid, i can't tell you what it would have meant to me to be able to see a character like LUKE everyday. As played by the wonderful VAN HANSIS, luke is the son of the show's signature couple, and has been a major part of the show's recent surge in the ratings (and he and NOAH are now forever known by the moniker of "NUKE"). When those two finally kissed, i found myself becoming more emotional than i have watching any tv show in years...

cosmopolitans for everyone!

the teaser trailer for what is sure to be the GREATEST FILM of 2008 is out!

an offer with a lot of A-PEEL!

As you know, I'm all about ROGER FEDERER, but i know there are a lot of ANDY RODDICK fans out there. Well now, you Andy fans can have your dreams come true.

That's right, you can hold ANDY'S BANANA in your hand.

anyone else in the mood for a HAPPY MEAL?

when bad faces happen to good people

remember that episode of Sex & The City where Samantha gets a horrific chemical peel? Or that episode of AbFab where Patsy gets a horrific chemical peel?

Either that's what happened to Joan Van Ark, or it's actually Michael Jackson in one of his many disguises.

I guess she's never heard of "B.C."

Sherri Sheppard is at it again. First, there was the whole "flat earth" debacle, now, in a discussion about the ancient greeks, she insists "I don't think anything pre-dates christians".

Was barbara high when she hired this dimbulb?

"YOU'LL EAT YOUR KIDS!"

This is too funny.

The Westboro Baptist Church (aka THE FRED PHELPS FAMILY), have released a music video of their clan singing a song called "god hates the world", to the tune of "we are the world". They've officially become a self parody.


God Hates the World - Watch more free videos

the main event

We had a party here last night.

In the grand tradition of SNICKS family parties, it was perfectly civilized.




The party was for the birthday of my sister's new boyfriend (who's still married...to someone else, and recently was arrested for the THIRD time for D.U.I., which means he can't drive and will probably be going to prison).

anyway...

There were a lot of people at the party, including his family, and a lot of my cousins, who know him from work. At around 2 a.m., i went to bed, and about twenty minutes later, it happened. I listened at the door, and overheard bits & pieces...

"C'MON MOTHERFUCKER..GET UP AND FIGHT. YOU GONNA PUNCH ME IN THE FACE AND THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT SHIT? GET YOUR ASS UP NOW!

"YOU FUCKIN STARTED THIS SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER!

"YOU FUCKIN PUNCHED ME IN MA FUCKIN FACE!

"AND YOU FUCKIN KNOW WHY I DID THAT, CAUSE YOU FUCKIN FARTED IN MY FACE! I GO TO SIT MY ASS DOWN AND YOU FUCKIN FART IN MY FACE? THAT SHIT AIN'T RIGHT!"

"YOU FUCKIN PUNCH ME IN THE FACE, AND NOW I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKIN ASS!"

Well, that continues for a while, they calm down, and then as i'm driftng off to sleep, it starts again.

"YOU'RE MY BROTHER, BUT I FUCKIN DISOWN YOU!"

"LORD FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
LORD FORGIVE ME!
LORD FORGIVE ME!
LORD FORGIVE ME!
LORD FORGIVE ME!"

I heard everyone else at the party trying to calm them both down, and i guess it worked, because i didn't hear anything else after that.

I just hope the lord forgave him.

when closed captioning goes horribly wrong.

It must be tough being a captioner during a live event. It's probably easy to get...confused, as this caption during the malibu fires proves. The caption should read "people in the middle of the road evacuating"....but hey, if it helps save just ONE house, then i say GO FOR IT!